"Bram Stoker's Dracula": An Exercise In WTF-ery.

WARNING: SPOILER-Y AS FUCK.

Just watched "Bram Stoker's Dracula" for the first time. Released in 1992, directed by Francis Ford Coppola ("The Godfather", "Apocolypse Now"), and starring Gary Oldman, Sir Anthony Hopkins, Winona Ryder and Keanu Reeves, this movie is somewhat of a cult classic, a featured flick on vampire lovers' favorites list for years.

I'm actually kind of surprised it took me this long to watch the damn thing, seeing as I've been very much aware of its existence for years now, and I'll sit through anything to get a glimpse of Gary Oldman doing his thang (yeah, that's right, white boy's got a thang). Casting him as Count Dracula was a fucking win, as was casting Anthony Hopkins as Prof. Abraham Van Helsing.

But it seems that every epic win must be accompanied by an epic fail, for Keanu Reeves has a significant role as Jonathan Harker. And Keanu Reeves is a talentless piece of inexplicably-successful shit. Winona Ryder ain't that great either, but at least she's got "Edward Scissorhands" and "Girl, Interrupted" under her belt, amirite?

As for "Dracula", it's not one of my favorites movies, but I'm glad I watched it (and will probably watch it again). It has some great visuals (the unnatural shadows, Dracula crawling across the exterior of the castle, redhead chick getting fucked by werewolf-Dracula-thingy), and I gotta say I loved the scene where Dracula goes into Mina's room in the form of green mist and they get all freaky with some bloodplay. Their fucked up little love story tugged at my heartstrings, and in the end, I was totally rooting for Dracula over that uptight prick Jonathan. Maybe it's 'cause Dracula's got some 18th century King of Funk thing going on:

P-I-M-P.

I'm unsure whether the camp factor of this film was due to the time in which it was made, or if it was on purpose. The color palette was all over the place (again, not sure if that was on purpose or not), making it a little "jesusfuckingwhattheshitamIlookingat "-y. Blue flame, green mist, technicolor-red blood, et cetera. Evidently, the Undead have a penchant for dropping a little E before they, y'know...feast on the blood of humans and shit.

Sir Anthony Hopkins is also sweet as Van Helsing, a professor who weilds his crucifix like Patrick Bateman weilds an axe. He also has a pseudo-lecherous, brilliant-yet-crazed thing going on. He made my skin crawl ever-so-slightly. Of course, that may just be the fact that religion scares the shit outta me.

The effects of too much Bible study.

But even with all this cool, drugged-up and tweaked-out vampness, I had a hard time getting over Keanu Reeves and his lethargic, check-out-my-one-"compelling"-facial-expression bullshit. This guy fucking sucks. I'm vaguely offended by the idea of him even peripherally showing up in the same movie with the likes of Gary Oldman and Sir Anthony Hopkins.

Go film a couple more "Matrix" sequels and die, asshole.

In conclusion, I liked it. Long live Gary Oldman, and may Mr. Reeves recieve a thorough beheading someday soon.

Out.