A Moment's Pause: Marlon Brando (1924 - 2004)

"I daresay anything can be made holy by being sincerely worshiped."

- Iris Murdoch

Rescuing Soldier Ryan vs. Saving Private Ryan: Which One Is More Lulzworthy?

So I'm on some forum talking about some movies and whether it's alright for movies to sacrifice historical accuracy for the sake of entertainment (ie: 300) when this person (perhaps a foreigner?) comes in and makes a reference to the historical accuracy of the film Rescuing Soldier Ryan.

I scrolled past the post.

I scrolled back up.

I read it again.

I lol'ed.

And then I said "Do you mean Saving Private Ryan?" To which they responded "NO, RESCUING SOLDIER RYAN!!".

Well then. Um...



o_O

Anyway, Saving Private Ryan (1998) is a truly amazing movie. The scene depicting the massacre on Omaha beach (which lasts roughly twenty-seven minutes) is arguably one of the most powerful sequences in film. Period.

As for Rescuing Soldier Ryan, I bet it's nothing compared to the sequel: Rescuing Soldier Ryan 2: Electric German Boogaloo.

300: Part Deux a.k.a. Fuck This Shit

RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGE!

WARNING: SPOILERS IF YOU'RE POP-CULTURE RETARDED AND HAVEN'T SEEN 300

I liked 300. Not in a teary-eyed, shit my pants, jump up and down and quote the movie for way longer than anyone should kinda way, but I liked it. It was a super epic, stylized, violent, fun thing to watch. That being said...

Zack Snyder told IGN that he's looking into making a sequel to 300. That's right. A sequel to the movie that ended with the main character being shot to death by arrows. Does anyone else sense some cognitive fucking dissonance going on?

The only potential saving grace of this thing is the fact that Mr. Snyder wants to wait for Frank Miller to finish another Spartan-inspired graphic novel before he moves on with the movie. In this way, the sequel would also be based on a Frank Miller book, just like the original. How quaint.

But this really doesn't comfort me. Why? 'Cause Frank Miller would essentially be creating a graphic novel for the sake of it being made into a movie. Which means he wouldn't be his usual, awesome, I'm-Frank-Miller-And-I-Own-Your-Face self. Zack, direct whatever piece of shit sequel you want, just DON'T TAKE MY FRANKIE DOWN WITH YOU!

Just to clarify: It's not that I lack faith in Miller's story-telling ability. It's that I lack faith in sequels in general. Honestly, whatever Miller comes up with will probably be damn cool. The movie? I dunno.

(AN: Again, for those of you who are pop culture retarded, Frank Miller is the dude behind Sin City. Yeah. Who's your daddy now, bitch?)

Why the fuck do they have to milk every single little successful movie nowadays? Why? I mean, the movie industry has always been just that - an industry. But it's like they're running out of friggin' ideas. "Oh, let's make another sequel/remake/biopic piece of shit because we can't think of anything else!"

Sure, every once in a while you get The Godfather: Part II, but in general sequels suck. Suck. SUCK I SAY!!!

Here's hoping Zacky boy proves me wrong. Hey, maybe it'll even be some cool stylized historical deal. But for now: Fuck you, movie industry. Fuck. You.

Out.

"Bram Stoker's Dracula": An Exercise In WTF-ery.

WARNING: SPOILER-Y AS FUCK.

Just watched "Bram Stoker's Dracula" for the first time. Released in 1992, directed by Francis Ford Coppola ("The Godfather", "Apocolypse Now"), and starring Gary Oldman, Sir Anthony Hopkins, Winona Ryder and Keanu Reeves, this movie is somewhat of a cult classic, a featured flick on vampire lovers' favorites list for years.

I'm actually kind of surprised it took me this long to watch the damn thing, seeing as I've been very much aware of its existence for years now, and I'll sit through anything to get a glimpse of Gary Oldman doing his thang (yeah, that's right, white boy's got a thang). Casting him as Count Dracula was a fucking win, as was casting Anthony Hopkins as Prof. Abraham Van Helsing.

But it seems that every epic win must be accompanied by an epic fail, for Keanu Reeves has a significant role as Jonathan Harker. And Keanu Reeves is a talentless piece of inexplicably-successful shit. Winona Ryder ain't that great either, but at least she's got "Edward Scissorhands" and "Girl, Interrupted" under her belt, amirite?

As for "Dracula", it's not one of my favorites movies, but I'm glad I watched it (and will probably watch it again). It has some great visuals (the unnatural shadows, Dracula crawling across the exterior of the castle, redhead chick getting fucked by werewolf-Dracula-thingy), and I gotta say I loved the scene where Dracula goes into Mina's room in the form of green mist and they get all freaky with some bloodplay. Their fucked up little love story tugged at my heartstrings, and in the end, I was totally rooting for Dracula over that uptight prick Jonathan. Maybe it's 'cause Dracula's got some 18th century King of Funk thing going on:

P-I-M-P.

I'm unsure whether the camp factor of this film was due to the time in which it was made, or if it was on purpose. The color palette was all over the place (again, not sure if that was on purpose or not), making it a little "jesusfuckingwhattheshitamIlookingat "-y. Blue flame, green mist, technicolor-red blood, et cetera. Evidently, the Undead have a penchant for dropping a little E before they, y'know...feast on the blood of humans and shit.

Sir Anthony Hopkins is also sweet as Van Helsing, a professor who weilds his crucifix like Patrick Bateman weilds an axe. He also has a pseudo-lecherous, brilliant-yet-crazed thing going on. He made my skin crawl ever-so-slightly. Of course, that may just be the fact that religion scares the shit outta me.

The effects of too much Bible study.

But even with all this cool, drugged-up and tweaked-out vampness, I had a hard time getting over Keanu Reeves and his lethargic, check-out-my-one-"compelling"-facial-expression bullshit. This guy fucking sucks. I'm vaguely offended by the idea of him even peripherally showing up in the same movie with the likes of Gary Oldman and Sir Anthony Hopkins.

Go film a couple more "Matrix" sequels and die, asshole.

In conclusion, I liked it. Long live Gary Oldman, and may Mr. Reeves recieve a thorough beheading someday soon.

Out.